So, for quite some time now, I have been thinking about whether or not to continue my journey as a figure competitor or not. For those of you who have been following along, or who have read my blogs will understand how big of a decision this has been for me. My world has literally revolved around competing for almost 2 years now. When I put myself into something, I put my WHOLE self into it. I am not a gray-area type person…I’m either in or I’m out. Well, for a while now, I feel like I have been living in the gray & I just can’t stand it. I’ve tried and tried to talk myself out of this decision over and over again, but I have been lying to myself; I am stepping away from the stage, & hanging up those hooker heels.
The first question I will get asked regarding all of this will be, “Why?” Well, it’s easy; I had to do some soul searching here lately, and really just STOP & THINK about WHY I was really putting myself through this all. When I tell you that being a figure competitor is hard, I mean that with my whole being. It is literally the most difficult thing I have EVER put myself through. For the past (almost) 2 years, I have paid someone to give me a meal plan (tailored for me), as well as tell me what to workout, how to workout, when to workout, what supplements to have, and how many hours to sleep. I have followed each plan to a T. I have not missed more than 10 workout sessions in about 2 years. I have sacrificed time with my family, friends, & coworkers more times than I can count. I have been talked about, said I was selfish, self-centered, and full of myself at times as well. You know what, maybe I was those things, BUT that’s what it took to get me where I’ve been. You know that saying, “if it were easy, everyone would do it?” Ya, well, that’s freaking true. I missed out on SO many things over the past 2 years, ask any of my family if you don’t believe me – BUT although it sucked, no, I still don’t regret it. At the time, that was what needed to be done in order for me to reach my goals. I had a vision of what I wanted to accomplish, & I did that. I’m PROUD of myself for that. However, I am not in the same place as I was before. I’ve said this a few times before, and I still stand by it; the competition world is full of sex, drugs, & seduction…think I’m joking? Ask anyone who competes on a National Level & they will tell you. I can’t scroll through Instagram without seeing a woman’s butt or boobs every 10 seconds, because of them posting their “progress pictures” – ya right, you’re not fooling me, gurlllll. Anywho – it’s running rampant & that’s far from who I am. See, I was overweight – I then lost the weight & wanted to showcase my hard work – & so I entered a competition and I did that…in 4 shows. I wanted to prove not only to others, but more so to myself that I WAS ABLE to do something that difficult. I wanted to “Make a change” – I wanted to “Make a difference” in other people’s eyes. I wanted to shine. I wanted to lead. I wanted to be a motivational example. I wanted to be someone’s inspiration. THAT is what has kept me going for as long as I have. THAT is why I loved stepping on stage. It made me feel something that was lacking for me personally. When I was on stage – or even having people know that I competed, I felt “special.” I know, I know – that’s a twisted and weird thing to think, but it’s true. I liked having people who looked up to that aspect of my life. They wanted to know more about me, what I was doing, & who I was in general. I craved the ability to share my story with others, but I felt this was my ONLY avenue to attract people to my journey. I know, I understand how this all sounds. Anyway – I’ve been terrified to make this decision for a long time now, but I’m happy to say that I have FINALLY decided to step away. For some reason, being a competitor has made me out to be some person who sits high upon a pedestal in some people’s eyes and I hate that. It makes people think that I’m on some other level that they are, & that is NOT true. I began this whole blog & my fb page that goes along with it, to INSPIRE people – BUT how am I inspiring when people can’t truly relate to me at times?? My husband and I have had this same back and forth conversation about to compete or not to compete SO MANY TIMES, & we could never reach a final decision. It’s really hard to walk away from something that your life has revolved around for so long, so I really, really struggled. Sulli (my hubs) has always told me to “do what makes you happy.” Well, I’ve thought about that over & over again…questioning myself…what DOES make me happy?? Do I like stepping on stage? Ya. Do I like working out? Ya. Do I like having a structured meal plan? Ya. Do I like eating healthy 90% of the time? Ya. Do I like the results? HECK YA. Do I like all of the sacrifices? NO. Do I like secluding myself, because I would rather sit at home while our friends and family go out – just because I feel like I can’t full participate because it’s a few hours earlier than when I am supposed to eat? NO. Do I like feeling like my entire life is dictated? NO. Do I like that IF I were to taste even the tiniest bit of something, I feel so guilty that I literally could cry? NO. The list goes on…& there are a lot more NO’S than yes’s. In competitions, this is how it works, a competitor enters a show that is called a “National Qualifier” from there, if she places high enough – usually top 3, then she now is qualified for Nationals – meaning she can now enter a show at the national level – to try to win an IFPP Pro Card – meaning she is a professional in the sport, & is now able to compete at National level shows… So….Knowing all of this “do that to get to that – then enter this, place here, get that, etc…”, in my mind – I had already decided that this would probably be my last year to compete. I began to do the budget for the amount of shows that was suggested to me & Not Kidding, I almost stroked out…TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS for me to enter 4 shows…that isn’t even including my NPC Card ($120), gas to get to & from the competition locations, hotel stays, food, coach/trainer payment per month…It was INSANE. Most of you know that I recently got married as well, so can you imagine being newlyweds, both coming together as 1 with real life bills, then all of this on top of it…no freaking thank you. Nope. Nada. Too dang much. When I began to sit down & truly think about WHY I was doing this, I honestly couldn’t think about anything else besides the fact that 1) it made me feel special. 2) I want to help my husband & we want to be FIT together. 3) I like pushing myself to the limits sometimes. That’s not enough. Never once did I feel like, “Omg! I want to be a pro! I want to get to that level! I have to do this! This is my life!” Yes, before – I wanted that…BAD, but now – no, I don’t. I do not want to make competing my entire life {again.} I recently sat down with my bother in law & sister in law & we all talked about this, and I told them what I was going through. They both listened to me, gave me advice and I really let it sink in. Same thing with my mom and my mother in law as well. I listened hard to everything they had to say & I let it sink in. I thought about it over & over, slept on it, and prayed on it hard. If you were to ask me today what I truly want out of life, what I want for my husband and I…this is what I would tell you: ONE DAY (A WHILE FROM NOW!!) I want to be a mom, & I want to own our own home before that time comes. I want to be healthy. I want to be fit. I want to help my husband reach the goals he has not only in fitness, but in life as well. I want to be a successful career woman. I want to travel. I want to take mini weekend vacations. I want to go have random girls nights with popcorn & m&ms every once in a while. I want to be able to pick up & sporadically go somewhere. I want to attend holiday gatherings with my family and ACTUALLY EAT the food. I want to experiment with new recipes. I want to workout whatever muscle I wake up {wanting} to workout. I want to not feel pressured into conforming to the seduction of a sport. I want to LIVE. I want to help other people. I want to show people how to live a BALANCED life. I want to be mentally strong. I want to bake cookies with my niece and nephew & be able to have a taste, without making myself sick over the fact that I “cheated.” I want to not freak out if I can’t make it to the gym one day, because its not going to be the end of the world. I want to be inspired to workout and eat right, not because I HAVE to, but because I WANT to. I want it to be fun again. I want to feel special because of WHO I AM, NOT because of WHAT I DO. Basically, competing has been awesome, but I’m ready to start a new adventure. I am going to continue to kick ass in the gym and eat healthy, but don’t freak if I have a HUMAN moment and actually go & buy myself that chocolate covered donut with sprinkles…MODERATION is ok when you don’t have to step on a stage half naked in hooker heels & a bikini. I’m going to continue to post things & even write on here (maybe more now) to show you all what’s going on with me and in my life, & I hope you’ll still want to follow along. I just truly want people to know that no, you do not have to compete to love the gym life or the healthy lifestyle…you can be human and still love all of those things as well. Remember me saying I’m all in or all out?? Well, I just feel like I’ve had it wrong for a bit & I’m sorry for that – If you’re competing, sure that 1 bite most certainly could make a difference & you NEED to be {all in}, but If you’re just trying to live your life healthy, yet still have a little fun, then no, that 1 bite – or that 1 donut is not the end of the world. Yes, it will slow your progress, but it is not the end of the world (as it always has been in my mind.) The other question I know I’ll get a lot of will be, “do you regret it?” Answer: Not for one second. I’m FREAKING PROUD of what I accomplished. It’s taught me so much about myself. I’ve seen muscles on my body that I didn’t even know existed. I’ve pushed past limits that I thought I never could. I proved to myself that I did have what it takes, not just once, but 4 times. I came. I saw. I conquered. Now – It’s time to conquer some more stuff. I feel like there is just sooooo much more to life than walking around lean as all get out. Don’t get me wrong, I still want to be fit, & I WILL be, however…life only comes around 1 time, & I don’t want to live my life having only said, “oh, no thanks – it’s not on my meal plan” forever. Every now & then, I’m going to try to allow myself a little freedom. As I told Sulli, I’m not living to be a figure competitor for the rest of my life…I’m living to be HEALTHY. I want to be a positive role model for girls in general, but especially ones into fitness, because all they seem to be seeing these days is the more skin you show, the more popular you become & that’s messed up in my opinion. I want to start showing yall some of the foods I’m eating, exercises I’m doing, and cardio routines…as well as share some awesome pictures of cheat meals that I’ll be having. As freaking scared as crap as I was to share this information with all of you, I feel you deserve it. Yall deserve to see that I’m human too & that I screw up just as often. PLEASE, if you want to ask me anything at all about any of this – please shoot me over an email ([email protected]), or comment on this post, because I would LOVE to hear from you. I hope none of you are upset or disappointed in me, but if you are – I’m sorry. It’s time I stopped lying to myself, start leading by example, and start living life a little. I won’t “fake it till I make it” – I will remain real and honest. So, here’s to 2014…It’s been a good one, but 2015 will be a whole new ride!!
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