I know it’s been a while since I checked in on here, but for some reason, tonight is the night that I decided to pick the laptop back up. Maybe it’s because I got home at a decent hour tonight, or maybe it’s because I’m bored –but I like to think it’s actually because someone else out there needs to hear/see something that I have to say.
As far as what’s been going on – I’m still training for my next competition, which is on May 3rd - 36 days out, but who’s counting? Lol I’m also in the middle of planning my wedding. Basically, the majority of my days begin around 4:30am – I wake up, roll out of bed, throw on clothes, weigh to check-in weight (only certain days), go to the gym, jump on the devil machine (yes, I’m still climbing my heart out), knock out thighs & abs, then head home, shower, have breakfast, get dressed, & drive to work. I work a full time job, 8am – 5pm, literally, as soon as it’s 5pm, I’m shutting it down & heading to Monster Gym to train with my Probody4her coach, Sandy. I train for at least 30 minutes, then finish up anything I missed from the morning gym session, & then I’m out. The day doesn’t stop there though lol After I leave the gym, I try to go get my tan on at Cali’s Tan (BEST SALON EVER!), then I’m back home to shower, eat dinner, unpack, & re-pack my meals for the next day. Basically, as you can see – I’ve still got a jam packed schedule, but now, throw wedding planning all on top of that. I remember before Sulli ever proposed, I told my mom, that whenever it was time to get married, that I thought I would just take that time completely OFF from competing in order to plan & enjoy every bit of it…Well, we all see how that turned out lol Truth is, I HAVE to be on the go. Seriously, if I’m not, or if I have like a whole day or two of doing nothing, I can’t stand it. It literally drives me insane. Take last Sunday for instance, I was home, well rested, enjoying my “rest” when suddenly a thought came to mind; While I was sitting there with my feet all propped up, watching TV, some other girl (probably one that will be competing against me at The Ronnie Coleman Classic OR Team Universe) is probably busting her butt, trying to get to the top - POOF! There went my “rest” for the day, I was up, doing leg raises/crunches, cleaning, thinking, preparing food, you name it – I was on it. That’s just how I work. I am NOT a watcher. I am a DOER! Anyway, my training has been going awesome. I’ve definitely put on a LOT of size during the off-season for this year’s contests; however, I’ve also made some mistakes. In my off-season, there were definitely times that I feel I was a little too “relaxed” & I could’ve/should’ve been doing much, much more – however, what’s done is done & I’ve moved on from that. Sandy has been great with me, & her and Nate have been guiding my body down “Lean-Zone” aka, dropping my body fat percentage to get the stage-ready look. Again, this year during prep, my weight has been giving me trouble. It gets to these points where it is just completely & totally stuck. It’s EXTREMELY frustrating! I mean literally, I do everything 110% - I’m talking NO CHEATING whatsoever – not even a crumb or extra drop of mustard – NOTHING. I workout with all I’ve got. Knowing this, knowing I’m busting my butt to get my weight & body fat percentage down, & seeing the scale not “recognize” my hard work – well, quite frankly, it pisses me off to no end. How bad? Well, let’s just say, more times than none, it’s enough to ruin my morning completely. See, I only weigh-in on days that I need to report my weight to my trainers & who wants to disappoint their coaches? NOT ME. But you know what? I’m NOT disappointing them & after a talk with Sandy about all of that one night, I finally got it. See, the point is, my trainers & nutritionist KNOW what they’re doing – THEY know exactly what my body needs & how it works - & let me tell you, EVERYONE’S body works differently – that’s why the question “what do you eat to look that way?” annoys the ever loving poop outta me. What I eat is for ME, not for YOU. Each person needs their own plan, TAILORED TO THEM. Sorry, end rant. So…like I was saying before, they know what they’re doing- my ONE job…the ONLY thing I need to worry about it doing EXACTLY as they tell me. Struggles with that.. Well, like I said earlier, I’m a DOER – I’m also a FIXER, when I feel like something is wrong (even if it’s like 2 people mad at each other), I automatically assume responsibility for it & try to work it out – I try to FIX it…pretty sure that comes from my mom. Anyway, it can be a blessing or a curse I guess. I say this because this is my battle. I can’t stand to see things go the opposite way I THINK they should be going, or at MY pace. I hate it. I’m NOT a patient person by any means, and I’m telling you now – I know why I struggle. I’ve had some really down days lately (not anything like the last prep, but still tough). There’ve been days when I thought about not even going through with the May show & only doing Team Universe in July. There’s been days where I thought (again) that putting myself through this grueling process again was completely & totally insane. There’ve been days that I’ve snapped or broke down towards the MOST SUPPORTIVE person in my life, my fiancé –Sulli. There have even been days that I was completely & totally consumed by jealousy of girls who were at a different level than me, who were leaner than me, further along than me, but then it all stopped. The negativity began to actually shed some light instead. One morning, I was just literally in the worst mood ever, Sulli could tell by my text messages, & I could tell he wasn’t “feeling” my mood. In the nicest way possible, he told me that I was basically upset about the scale, was allowing it to ruin my day, that we’d been through all of this before, & that he could only say so much to help me. Immediately, I was on the defense…How dare he say that – Doesn’t he get it – How can he not see that I’m killing myself & seeing nothing in return…that’s when it happen…a voice in my head spoke to me & said 4 small words that have REMAINED in my head every morning since, as soon as my eyes open; “God is in control.” Whoah. I thought, ummm…okay?? Why in the word is this in my head? Why, every single morning, as soon as my eyes open, do these same 4 words immediately come to mind? That’s how God works in me. I’m not a super religious person by any means, and to me, it’s more about your relationship w/ God than what religion someone is, but anyway…I can’t count the times that God has placed random scripture on my heart, and I google it (I don’t just have a bible w/ me everywhere I go), and it’s EXACTLY what I needed to hear. One time, a long time ago, I was going through a whole lot of stuff, & my mom told me, “Just pray for a sign, Mandie.” I remember her walking out of my room& I just thought, “She’s crazy!” However, I did what she said – about 30 minutes later, something was in my head – Jeremiah 29:11. Up until that point, I had no clue what this was – or what it meant…Now, that is my ALL-TIME, FAVORITE! In fact, it’s on my home page of this blog. Anyway, all that was said because of this, God knows the plans he has for me – he will never harm me – he will prosper me. HE is in control – NOT ME. So, why worry about tomorrow? Why stress out about my weight? Why make myself miserable all day long when in fact, I’ve done nothing wrong –there’s no reason – none at all. This competition prep is not different from the last in the fact that Sulli still shocks me on a daily basis with his overflow of support. On days that I’m being a Negative-Nancy, he’s always there, telling me to be thankful, because it could always be so much worse. He’s right – absolutely right. Why do I have any reason to complain – because I can’t eat certain things? Because my weight isn’t dropping at the speed I want? Because girls are being catty & talking crap about me? Because “haters” make rude comments? Uhhh…NO! What I’m going through is nothing compared to some of the stuff others face. Speaking of, I feel HONORED to be able to do these competitions in the first place. These journeys teach me so, so much about myself & who I am as a person. I’ve learned my strengths & weaknesses, & I’ve found a true passion – what I believe I was meant to do, & that is to POSITIVELY impact the lives of others. From day 1 of this blog, I vowed to be 110% honest & hold back nothing, so I won’t. I don’t want to live the “Facebook life” – you know, the one where everyone is always so, so perfect in every aspect of their life? Hahahaha Ya, NOT me by ANY means! I struggle, I have crappy days, I get upset, I cry, I whine, I moan, I want to throw in the towel at times, but then I remember…I SHALL NOT, FLAG NOR FAIL – I will NOT surrender. I will NOT fail. It’s NOT an option. I can be thrown down, ran over, & made to feel like nothing, but at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter…because I have STRENGTH - & I know where that strength comes from; The man upstairs. I’m so blessed that God has chosen me to go along this journey, that he placed me with a good person on the inside & out to be my trainer, that in addition to Sandy - even my posing instructor, Kim is a God-fearing woman as well, that he cares about me & my well-being, that he says I don’t need to worry about anything, because he’s got it all covered, that GOD is in control – NOT ME. For now, I’m learning to be more positive, to be happy, to work as hard as I possibly can, & do as much as I possibly can in order to achieve my goals & reach my dreams, but also, I’m learning to give the steering wheel over to God. Giving up control is so freaking scary & super intimidating, but I know that I’m in the best of hands. I don’t know where this journey’s going to lead me, but I know that I’ve got to learn to let go. I need to focus on what I DO have control over & that’s it. Trust the process. Love the process. Know that I will get to where I need to be. Know that along the way, many others will have the possibility to make a positive change of their own. Maybe I write these things for me, to clear my mind, or maybe I write this stuff, because I want to be real w/ you all – to show you that I struggle just like you, but that I WILL OVERCOME…that you can also. I’m beginning to make positive routines an every-day thing for me & I encourage you to do the same. For instance, I know I’m usually in a good mood throughout the day when I get in a morning workout, so I’ve began that. I also down loaded an app on my iPhone that sends me a scripture each morning while I’m getting ready. I also purchased a daily devotional that I take about 5 minutes per day to read & think about. These things may sound dumb or funny to you, but whatever lol It’s for me & it’s done a WORLD of good for me. I’ve got 36 days before I step on stage for the Ronnie Coleman Classic, and I want to be ready in every way possible; physically, mentally, & emotionally & I will. There’s no question about it. I WILL. I SHALL NOT, FLAG NOT FAIL. Jeremiah 29:11
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