I want to be honest – open & honest. A lot of change has gone on in my life over the last couple of months. Mid-August, I moved from my parents’ house, to my own house with my {NoW} Husband. Sept. 27th, we said our “I Do’s” and made it official in front of our closest family & friends. It was truly the happiest time in my life thus far. I soaked up every single ounce of that “break” and took off of the gym for about 3 weeks…1 week due to being so sick RIGHT before the wedding, 1 the week of the wedding, and 1 the week after the wedding when I went on my week long Honeymoon to Grande Antiqua.
Truthfully, during that time - I failed in the gym. I failed at dieting/eating healthy, the way I knew I should have. I had ZERO motivation to get myself into the gym while sick, or to force fish or chicken down my throat in order to “maintain” a weight during the very end of the Wedding Week, only to go on my Honeymoon and blow it all – because, let’s be honest, we all know that there was NO WAY that I wasn’t going to enjoy my Honeymoon to the FULLEST. Sulli and I had the time of our lives on that vacation. From the time our plane landed, we turned off our phones, and as soon as we got the resort, they both went into the safe – turned off – not to be bothered with. That was HANDS DOWN the BEST decision we made. It allowed us to just turn off the world. I remember being so happy, so care-free, so “I don’t give a crap about anything” – but in a PoSiTiVe way lol It was great. We had a mixed drink in our hands at {all} times (I never usually drink – but omg, they tasted so yummy!!), and we ate…and ate…and ate…and then, we ate some more!! The vacation was amazing and I realized once we got back that we both really needed it. Like I said earlier, I felt like during that time, all I cared about was “living in the moment – enjoying every little bit of this “once in a lifetime” moment – which is perfectly fine, I don’t regret it – that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that during that time, I lost sight of goals that I had and would STILL have once we were back to reality. Once we returned home, I emailed my coach with progress pictures (which I was SOOOO embarrassed to send) and awaited the dreaded response. Thankfully, there was no being harsh on me – my new coach, who I recently switched to, was super supportive of taking that time off to enjoy it, but now that I was back – it was time to work. I started the new plan up and I kid you not, within about 4 days, I felt totally and completely better!! I felt like I could breathe again and I didn’t feel so lazy like I had been the previous weeks. I can try my best to talk to and motivate people all dang day, but what about me?? What if I needed motivation?? Luckily, I’ve been through this before, so I knew it was possible – Yet, to be honest, I felt HUGE! Gross! Nasty looking! Fat! Who wants to feel that way?! I sure as heck don’t. So…I looked at those HORRIBLE pictures that I had to email my coach and instead of getting upset over them & the way I looked, I just began to really crunch down – to reallllly think about why I started competing and started living this lifestyle in the first place. I sat down with my husband, who has also switched coaches & is now on the same team as me, and we discussed this all in great detail and we came to the conclusion – that It’s simply who we are. We are workers. We are not lazy. We are DRIVEN. We want to WIN. WE WANT CHANGE. Still, even after this talk, I felt A LOT better – but still, something was lacking…I couldn’t figure out why in the world I just didn’t care before…Then, one day after going OVER & OVER the whole situation – I finally realized it. Basically I’m and all in or all out type of girl – black or white…there are no Maybe’s with me or any Gray areas at that. When I am faced with those situations – I typically lose it…I fail. That’s exactly what happened to me during that “off” time. I had my Wedding shower and was off of my meal plan that weekend, came back from that weekend to get BACK on plan…then had my Bachelorette weekend where I was OFF of my diet yet again – came back & would be back on for 2 weeks, then would be OFF again for the Wedding & Honeymoon…you know what all that sounds like to me?? GRAY AREAS!! EW!! I crumbled. I let it have the best of me. I started to doubt everything. Every decision I made was around what I wanted {at the moment}, not what I wanted for my future!! In that moment – the moment that I realized what I had let ruin me and my mindset, I was done with the excuses. I am SO much better than that. There is NO excuse that will ever outweigh the feeling I get from stepping on stage – not even just stepping on stage, but the sheer fact that I DESERVE TO BE THERE. I’ve been at an all-time low before, and I’ve also been at an all-time high. I’ve seen myself the heaviest I have ever been, and the leanest I have ever been. I remember the feelings and emotions that came with both, and I will NOT be that fat/depressed girl, EVER again. This GRAY area that I went though was extremely rough on me, because I felt like I lost – Like I was a failure. I was very quiet on any type of social media, I wore baggy gym clothes when and IF I went to work out, meals were not a priority to me – not healthy ones any way, and I just wore big clothes or flowy tops to hide my insecurities. I started to have doubts in myself & my ability to come back from this. How could I miss 3 weeks…how could I not care and eat whatever?? To some people, you won’t get this…you’ll say oh, it’s only 3 weeks…blah blah blah, but to ME, this was a HUGE {MeNtAl} setback for me. Not sooooo bad physically in the way I looked, but more so in the way I thought about life, myself, & goals in general. From this day, until the day I got my new meal plan…I started thinking about everything in a new way. This is not a time for me to be whiney and sad. Not a time to get depressed about some stupid # on the scale or the way my abs aren’t showing how I’d like them to. It’s not a time to be lazy or to make excuses of it being too hard, or taking too long. THIS IS A PLATFORM FOR ME…A COMEBACK. It’s a way to show you all that even people who seem to be such Bad Asses on the outside still break down sometimes – they still have doubts in themselves – they still want to make excuses & they still have that LOUD voice in their head, YELLING at them to “Just Give Up!!” The difference between those excuses and myself is that small, tiny, quiet voice that whispers…”You can do it. Push a little harder. Time will pass anyway, make the most of it. You were born a winner – you are a Leader.” When those YELLS of negativity are drowned out by the faint whispers of positivity…THAT is when the CHANGE takes place. YOU have the choice on who and what you will listen to…Choose wisely. Think about WHY you are doing this in the first place. I’ll be the first to tell you, if you’re doing this for the wrong reason, it won’t last…But if you have a goal in mind, a will, a reason that makes you want to be better outside AND inside…then, you will succeed. Truthfully, I was extremely nervous to share all of this with yall…nervous to let you in to a Weak Moment in this journey I’m on, but I feel like it may resonate with some of you, and may even make a difference or a positive impact on some others – so, as said before…this is me. I am human. I make mistakes. No, I’m not always a Bad Ass with meals or in the Gym, but I am NO quitter. I am Strong and I am Determined. Watch me. I’m going for it.
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